CW: Sex. This article is part of our series on trans sex education, and contains explicit sexual content.
I love talking, and sex happens to be my favourite topic, so when GenderGP asked me to share my first hand experiences of getting to know my body post-operatively, I couldn’t resist.
I’m 41 and my surgery (vaginoplasty) was just six months ago, one month before my birthday.
Before I go on to share my experiences of post-operative sex, I think it’s worth looking at what life was like before, for comparison.
I was living as a boy most of my life and I had plenty of sexual experiences with women. I had been with two girlfriends and I also had No Strings Attached (NSA) sex with around thirty other women. You could say there was plenty of sex in my life. I think I’ve tried a lot: different positions, locations, all sorts of types of play including BDSM, especially bondage. Women trusted me, but they didn’t have any reason not to.
I was never satisfied with sex with women. I achieved male orgasm, but didn’t feel good at all. I really liked receiving fellatio, that one was an exception, I loved it. I never liked the whole idea of placing my penis inside a vagina. To me, it was quite disgusting. I only did it because I thought that was what women needed. I really wanted them to have orgasm, I didn’t care that much about mine.
When I was alone, I cross dressed, I looked in the mirror, and I saw me – a girl. What really turned me on, was when I closed my eyes and I could feel a penis in my hand. To me, my brain translated that as: I’m a woman having sex with a guy, and I’m holding his penis in my hand, and at the same time I was feeling nice sensation down there, and for my brain it translated as him touching my vulva… And then I got real orgasm… and when I opened my eyes I felt disgusted with myself… The girl inside really wanted to be out (thinking of this makes me want to cry).
When I had sex with all those women, the most important part of it to me, was me just lying next to a woman. She would be naked, I would touch her body, investigate every corner. I would bring back those memories with me, dreaming to have a body like hers, including her intimate body parts. I really liked touching female intimate body parts. Inspecting the feel and shape. I so much wanted to have one like that and it would make me feel so sad that that was not the case.
Exploring my sexuality
I started having sexual NSA adventures with men around 2013. In the beginning I never experienced any orgasm with them. That was until last year, when on two occasions two different guys made me cry…from happiness! I have never heard from them again…
The orgasm wasn’t important to me. What really mattered was the intimacy, both of us naked, touching each other’s bodies, me being treated as a real lady, me forgetting what body I was born in, finally knowing who I am. To me the way men treated me was like seeing myself as a woman in the mirror. It was extremely important to me.
I wanted to have surgery because, during sex, my testes were in the way and they were destroying this image of me as a woman, taking away all this positive feeling that was being built up by the great treatment I received from a guy. They always said it’s all good, not to worry about my genitals, that I’m a beautiful woman, they don’t mind… And I responded always “thank you, you’re so kind, but actually I do mind, and really I want to have an operation”.
Since my surgery, six months ago, I have only had sex with two guys. I really liked it, so much in fact, that I’m really lacking words to describe it! For the first time I could feel a penis inside my own vagina, and the guy was on top of me, so close to me, and he kissed me, and I just melted… But then he just ghosted me. The second guy, we met three times. This time I was on top. This time I completely “destroyed” my vagina in the cowgirl position. I asked him to shave the pubic hair, because it was hurting my clitoris. Next time we met, he had it shaved, and it was so much better.
Both guys gave me cunnilingus. The first guy almost gave me an orgasm, but he changed the direction of how he was doing that and that spoiled it. The second guy was just not patient enough and he was chaotic, so I didn’t get any orgasm from him. I didn’t experience vaginal orgasm with either of these guys, although the first guy almost got me there, I was just a few seconds away.
Relationships aside, I have come to know and love my new body over the past six months. I took time to learn what I like through experimentation and exploration. Sex education for someone in my situation can be a challenge but I worked it out.
I began masturbating immediately after surgery. I actually had to stop myself from doing it, because I was worried something would break. Although sensation then was completely different, especially the spatial aspect of it. I was feeling a sensation in the space where a penis used to be, and not inside. Over time it has changed, and now I feel it inside, where it should be.
I love masturbating, but my body no longer turns me on – obviously I cannot close my eyes and hold a penis in my hand any more – but that can be easily fixed. I just need a guy.
In order to have an orgasm I close my eyes and I imagine some handsome guy doing things to me… and that usually works… and when I finally get my orgasm I’m happy. I actually keep going until my hand falls off! While I’m definitely into guys, I like women too, but I am not sure yet how much. What I do know is that when the time comes, I will have a much better idea of how to please a woman. I’ve taught myself everything I know!
I think the sensation in my labia minora and clitoris was stronger in the beginning, and now it has faded. I think it’s because the stitches I had in there were transferring stimulation closer to the nerves, in the same way that piercings do. Somehow even though I have more sensation now, and practically everywhere, it is much harder for me to climax. It was so much easier two months post-op. I’m already thinking of getting some piercings.
On the whole, my sensation is quite amazing! It feels like there is more sensation than there was before the operation, it’s more distributed, and it’s so much fun, I’m totally enjoying it.
A change of sensation
I know there is a lot of uncertainty around post operative sensation, so I will take a little time to talk about this. Before the operation my penis was in one piece, and sensation was just in maybe two places.
Now, after operation, sensation is spread all over the place. Also, because tissues are connected in a new way, the way it feels has changed. The spatial sensation is completely correct, so even if some tissue was originally on the left and now is on the right, I feel it on the right. I feel my urethral lining inside me and can vaguely tell the depth of feeling.
I love my G spot (just behind the pubic bone). It’s all urethral lining I think and it’s super sensitive – I just love it. And then I have my labia minora and hood with their 20,000 nerves from the penile prepuce. Somehow it all comes together and feels really, really nice, in a way that it didn’t when it was a penis.
Recently I figured out that I can just touch the whole vulva with a flat hand and I immediately feel in heaven… I also like to grind my mattress before I go to sleep and when I wake up in the morning. As you can imagine that wasn’t possible before. I think my body is getting more sexual stimulation than ever before! In fact, I’m worried that it will get used too much and I will break or desensitise it.
At around two months post-op I was playing with a toy, and it was inside when I was about to come. I already felt the contraction and I pulled it out quickly, because I knew the contraction would be very strong and I was afraid that some stitches would break. Stupidly I tried again the next day, and indeed one stitch came off a little (laughing). Then I was suffering a bit until June, when I saw my surgeon for a checkup, and he removed that stitch. That made me really happy, because the pain was finally gone.
The orgasm itself feels really amazing. The feeling goes all over the body. I can feel it behind my ears, on my neck and shoulders. Usually I’m close to passing out. I just love it so much (sighing erotically). Before my surgery, it just felt like the release of some physical pressure. My body would relax, but then I would feel sad. It felt like I was doing it because I was supposed to and not because it was what I wanted.
I thought I was supposed to be a guy and this is what guys do. But somewhere in my head I always had this dream of me finally transitioning, and living life as a girl, and never having to do that again, in that way (sighing hopefully).
Lubrication feels natural. If I inspect with my finger I can feel it wet and slippery inside, and at the same time I have some nice sensation. It smells nice too, very female. My gynecologist recently said to me that she really likes the smell (which was an odd thing to hear!).
It feels great when it works. Dehydration is a big problem. I need to drink plenty of water, because otherwise the first thing that suffers is my lubrication. If I get a common cold, lubrication also suffers. Anything that dehydrates you.
I really don’t like to use any additional lubrication, but sometimes it gets really sticky and some extra help is needed. I use Ovestin (this is estrogen based cream) and it’s very good to improve circulation inside vagina and vulva, and then it also stimulates mucus production and I get better lubrication. I also use Multigyn with single dose applicators, it is a probiotic, helps maintain good female bacterial flora.
Additionally the lining in my vagina automatically produces more mucus during sexual intercourse, as it is stimulated.
If the entrance is dry, I sometimes put cream on the vulva and I put a little on my dilator as well, and then I can insert it easily. Recently I got 17cm of it inside. I can skip the cream and insert a dry dilator, and that will still work, but I don’t want to graze my entrance.
The dilation routine requires you to insert a dilator 10 times. Each time you insert it for one minute, and then you remove it for one minute. After five insertions, the entrance becomes a little sore. The creams are not good during sexual intercourse. In that case I wash my vulva thoroughly, and I use my own saliva to moisture the entrance. I can also insert a finger, and grab some moisture from the inside and use that. During sexual intercourse it all becomes super wet and the more wet it becomes the more sensation I actually have…and of course it smells nice (I am laughing – because of what my gynecologist said).
It turns out that my intimate body parts – and how they work – are not so different from their genetic counterparts. This is based on the fact that I have seen and “inspected” a decent amount of genetic vulvas and vaginas in my time. The shape, the anatomical details, the erection and contractions, the lubrication, smell and bacterial flora, the sensation and how you stimulate in order to get an orgasm.
Choosing the right surgeon
Sexual pleasure was a huge factor when researching my surgery and it’s something I discussed at length with my surgeon. I love sex, I always did. I wanted to improve my sexual experience – not make it worse.
I studied various techniques of gender affirming surgery and chose the one that focused on sensation and all the features that I would get with my new vulva and vagina. I didn’t want some penile inversion, I would never agree to that, even if you gave me million dollars. I really wanted to make sure that I would enjoy my new vulva and vagina and – thank God – that was also the main goal of my surgeon (Dr Juergen Schaff).
I have everything: sensation, lubrication, depth and width, and great aesthetics, just everything. Everything went according to plan, the only thing I wish I had done in hindsight is to prepare the necessary medical supplies for my recovery at home: gauzes, saline, incontinence sheets, gloves, but I managed pretty well anyway.
Since the surgery I feel beautiful, very beautiful. I have no dysphoria, and no dysmorphia. I feel in full harmony with my body, and it is an amazing feeling. I simply love myself!
Find out more about sex and intimacy as a transgender person, in our set of special articles on trans sex here.