A reflection on my transition, by Lucie Fish
As it has been over a year since I realised my gender identity as a woman, it seemed appropriate to look back on my transition and recall the steps I have taken on the road to becoming the person I kept locked away within myself for a very long time. Even though I may not be able to relate to other trans people who have had to overcome greater obstacles, I hope that this recollection of my journey and the experiences that came with it, will inspire readers with similar struggles, to be brave enough begin their own transition.
Ever since my adolescence, I have had thoughts and feelings about being a woman, but because of the secondary school where spent those years, I was unable to be myself. Even when I came out as bisexual, I ended up getting bullied frequently because of my sexuality. After I had experienced how others would treat me if I outed myself as different, as well as not knowing what being trans really was, I repressed my inner feelings, thinking of myself as some sort of freak. As I became an adult, these feelings of bitterness resulted in a life of isolation. I spent much of my time indoors and used video games as a coping mechanism to drown out the pain of my daily life.
I only began to understand my feelings and exactly what it meant to be trans, after I joined a small online chat group with other LGBT people, some of whom were trans themselves. After a year or so, I began to recognise that a lot of the feelings that I had repressed were very similar to what the other trans people in the chat were expressing, but it still took a long time for me to admit to myself that I was trans too.
It first started when we were all messaging each other as usual. I admitted that I didn’t really think of myself as a man at all and one of my friends suggested that the group call me by a female name, instead of my now dead name, to see how it felt.
At first, I felt a kind warmth that I’d never felt before, when being called she/her, I could hardly describe how it made me feel. That was the final push I needed to accept myself as a trans woman. It felt like a weight that had been on my shoulders all my life had been lifted, and suddenly all my past feelings began to make sense.
I felt really good about myself, but after a while, the sudden realisation that I had been hiding away who I truly was for all these years set in, and I broke down crying on the floor. I had built my entire life around this socially enforced lie that I was a man, and it hurt a lot to look back on all the years I could’ve spent actually enjoying life if I had just been born in the right body.
I didn’t want to waste any more time, so I gathered myself and went to my parents to tell them that I was transgender in the hope that they could help me. At first, my parents were shocked and confused. However, it soon because clear that I was being sincere, and they began to try their best to help me in any way they could. We first tried reaching out to the NHS for help, but after finding out that I would have to be put on a waiting list for up to three years, just to have access to HRT, I felt like my transition had ground to a halt before it had even started.
Thankfully, my mum found GenderGP who, after a thorough assessment, were able to prescribe me HRT. It felt like I was back on track to finally getting closer to being happy in myself. The staff were very supportive, kind and empathetic throughout the entire process. Now that I am finally on HRT and I am beginning to feel a lot happier, I have started to become a lot more confident in how I view myself physically.
Thanks to GenderGP my transition has gone from an endless wait to a more comfortable journey on which I am moving forward, and I cannot thank them enough for the help that they have given me.
A mum’s perspective
It has been nearly a year since Lucie came out and what an incredible journey it has been so far. I am happy to report that 12 months down the line we have all come together as a family and supported Lucie, but it has been a long journey.
Initially I felt heartbroken and very scared for my daughter but now I feel so proud of her, my brave and beautiful Lucie who has blossomed and grown in confidence. We have left behind a lonely, isolated, depressed young man and Lucie has emerged and is so much happier and more sociable.
Lucie has just stated her hormone therapy and is delighted and excited about her future life. I can’t thank you and your team enough from the bottom of my heart your work is amazing life changing and life saving.
As a parent following Marianne’s journey has been so informative and helpful. To read the newsletters and hear about all the work you are doing in supporting people on their trans journey has helped me personally to be able to understand and make sense of my daughter’s journey. I know everything will be ok and that for Lucie, being trans is a normal and natural way of being.
Thank you to you all for opening my eyes and changing my whole perspective and understanding about the Transgender community. I am very proud of my brave daughter and looking forward to sharing her journey. What a privilege!