CW: Sex. This article is part of our series on trans sex education, and contains explicit sexual content.
One of my main reasons for writing ‘Queer Sex‘ was because I felt that all things to do with sex; talking, exploring, experiencing and sharing had, for one reason or another, been placed out of bounds to me, as a trans person. Locked away because, I, so the saying goes, had been born in the ‘wrong body’. Society taught me I was born broken. Writing the book, I hoped, would allow me to mend – to explore and enjoy my body freely and without shame.
In my early days I had so many hang ups about my birth genitals that I didn’t want anyone to see them, let alone touch them. I never dreamt then that I could be female and have a penis, like so many trans folk can and do now, so I never touched it and hid it away like it was bad part of me that no one else should ever see.
That was many years ago, at a time when trans folk were meant to utterly hate the bodies they were born in. We were supposed to reject everything about our birth genitals and to wait patiently for the day when, after surgery, a prince or princess would come along, rescue us, and take us to a space where we would fuck, suck and do whatever we fancied until the cows came home.
I spent far too many years isolating my body and dreaming about another body entirely different to the one I now have. I dreamt about ‘perfection’ when in truth it always was perfect, complete with neo vagina or cock. Trans perfect!
I have a beautiful, sexy trans body which is most definitely not cis, even with the surgery to create a neo vagina. Trans bodies are beautiful. Writing ‘Queer Sex’ and interviewing so many proud, sexy, desirable trans folk made me realise that. We spend so much time rejecting our bodies that we forget about pleasure and how good pleasure and sex can and should feel; be it with someone else or alone. We are all worthy of sexual pleasure and intimacy, it is both liberating and grounding.
I have no regrets about my life, but I do feel sad that for all those years before surgery, when I could have been exploring my body, I avoided it. I could have been building an inner confidence that enabled me to realise that, however my body looked, it was always perfect. Instead of experimenting and becoming confident, I hid away. When I did have sex, I only thought about the other person’s enjoyment and pleasure. I demonised my body as not being ‘good enough’.
I’m delighted to say that has changed, thanks mainly to the book and the people in the book I’ve had several big realisations:
- That I have always been good enough
- That my body has always been beautifully trans, with or without surgery
- That my body is sexy and desirable
- THAT I HAVE NO MORE TIME TO WASTE WORRYNG ABOUT BECOMING PERFECT OR GOOD ENOUGH
There are many people who set out to make us feel unworthy and unlovable, but we are brilliant super heroes, brilliant game changers, brilliantly brave, brilliantly bold and most importantly we are brilliantly sexy and desirable, just as we are, just as you are today. Exactly as you are now.
Look in the mirror and see your beauty and your desirability. The bravery and tenacity in your journey, makes you an incredibly epic human being.
Trans and Non Binary people are epic, let’s never forget that.
As you look in the mirror, affirm just how epic you are by seeing the very core of you shining brightly and beautifully. Know that you are loved and seen by your trans and non binary family the world over.
It’s taken me years to shed the layer of dysphoria and shame that society told me I should wear. Now I feel confident enough to say that if I am a freak, then I’m a dammed sexy, intelligent and happy freak.
Please ignore the hateful speech you see online, turn away from negativity and start to enjoy being alive. Start to indulge in just a little pleasure, explore your body, if you see it as femme then it is so, if you see it as masculine, then it is so, if you see it as fluid or neither, then it is so.
Don’t wait for the ‘perfect’ body, start to enjoy your beauty and your body now. As you are today, you are worthy of love, affection, pleasure and touch. Wherever your journey may take you; hormones, surgery, dress, attitude, these are just ways of enhancing and expressing your existing perfection.
‘Queer Sex’ out now, available in all good bookshops and online at Amazon and Jessica Kingsley Publishers.