OK, so I am finally on female hormones and my transition to womanhood has begun, so you quite reasonably could expect to see a YAY in here somewhere! OK, go on then, YAY! But it isn’t all hunky dory, it isn’t easy for a ‘guy’ to become a ‘girl’ later in life, there are so many obstacles to be faced and overcome, there is no quick, easy fix and that just isn’t fair. Now that I’m on hormones, I’m told I’ll probably be more emotional … OMG, I don’t know I could be MORE emotional but I do feel I could cry sometimes and that just isn’t me … when I was young, my Dad once beat me until I stopped crying, not because he had caught me dressed as a girl, or anything like that, but because ‘boys don’t cry’ … how could I tell this ‘big’ man towering over me that I wasn’t a boy?!
For as long as I can remember, there is NOTHING in life that I have wanted more than to be the woman I believe I should have been born to be. Nothing. My biggest frustration in life is that had I been born 25 years later, I would now be fully female – why oh why wasn’t the Internet available to me in my teens?!
So now that I am finally on this journey (for the SECOND time, long story!), you may be asking why such angst?! Let me explain. Herefollows what occupies my mind on a 24/7 basis, feel free to give me some advice!
- Even though my (second) wife knows that I have been dressing as a girl since I was five, that I had previously started and stopped taking female hormones some years ago (because I hadn’t thought it all through) and that I continued to dress ‘in secret’, she doesn’t know that I have been dating guys (as a girl) nor that I have restarted taking female hormones.
- I was ‘out’ to my parents – no longer with me – and to my two sisters, but not to my (adult) kids … or my friends! When my ex-wife divorced me, she made sure our friends and everyone in her side of the family knew that she was divorcing me because she wanted me to be the woman I should have been (and nothing to do with the (very) rich guy who came onto her at work); I don’t think she would have told our kids, nor do I think would any of our friends, but I can’t be absolutely sure.
- Then there’s my (well-paid) job! I work for a Christian charity that I just know would take a very dim view of this particular ‘life changing’ event. Legally they couldn’t sack me but I don’t think for one minute that I would be allowed to transition ‘on the job’ nor do I believe that I’d be able to find a job as a woman without continuing, and possibly enhancing my feminisation. Without a job, how would I make my way in the world?
- And then there’s my age! By the time I fully transition, including SRS, I’ll be a woman in her 60s … although I’d be happy with my new body, I’d really like to share it with a guy, I don’t want to go into old age on my own! So being able to find a partner to look after me is not going to be easy!
I am extremely grateful to Dr Helen Webberley for believing in me and for supporting me in my transition. I had gone to Dr Russell Reid in the early ‘noughties’ and he prescribed birth control pills within 15 minutes of my walking into his office. I was ill-prepared for the changes that would come, I hadn’t thought it all through, is it any wonder I panicked then and have struggled since with the NHS since? I gave them an easy ‘out’!
Of course, I guess I could stop taking the hormones (again!) and make the most of being able to attract and spend time with guys as a girl! But, to be blunt, it is only a guy’s affirmation of me as a female that attracts me to him; the world doesn’t need another ‘chick with a dick’!
I have a couple of very good (genetic) female friends on Facebook and I am working towards socialising with them. I am also working on getting out more as a woman with a very special guy in my life, especially in daylight and a lot more in public (eek!). I sense I need to work more on my ‘support group’ and build my confidence. Maybe that is the key, really believing that I AM a woman, not a man trying to be one … and all the while I agonise about such things, I have oestrogen flowing through my veins …
Answers on a postcard please!