When it comes to sex, it doesn’t matter if you are trans or cis there is one rule that applies to everyone: Only do what makes you and your partner feel comfortable.
As a trans person, you may worry that being different will lead to rejection, but it is important to realise that we are all different, both in what we enjoy and what we have under our clothes: small, big, fat, thin, black, pink, tame, wild, tattoos, piercings, scars – you get the picture!
It is natural for everyone to worry about how they look and whether or not they will be ‘good enough’ when they open themselves up to the scrutiny of someone else. The important thing to remember is that when it comes to the human body, and what we as individuals look like – or don’t look like – rarely does a cookie cutter mould apply.
As younger generations take ownership of their bodies and their sexuality, we see them continue to challenge old-fashioned views and rewrite the rule-book to allow all kinds of diversity, creating a far more level playing field than we have ever had.
The key thing to remember is that it is your body. Only do what you want to do, only show what you want to show. Only let someone else touch you, when you are ready.
Talk things though, share your hopes and fears, explain your preferences. Be in control. Of course this may feel awkward but talking about your body can help you to gauge the reaction of any prospective partner way before you find yourself in an intimate situation.
When do I share my trans status?
When is it ever the right time to say something that might feel awkward, is it better to plan the moment in advance or to blurt it out when the mood strikes? Should you write it in an email or send a well crafted text message.
Whatever you decide, do it on your terms. Maybe start the conversation with a simple opening line such as:
Remember, if you can’t talk about sex, then ask yourself if this is the right time to have sex? Maybe taking the time to share how you feel, will lead to a much more fulfilling experience for everyone involved!
Sometimes, worrying about infections and pregnancy can be the last thing on your mind, but even if you are on blockers or hormones, you may still be able to get pregnant. If you are on T you can use any contraceptives that are progesterone only (avoid anything containing oestrogen). The pill and the Mirena coil are good options for trans men. Ask your doctor about PrEP, which is effective in stopping the spread of HIV and remember that condoms help prevent infection.
Most importantly remember:
- Sex should be fun
- “Perfect” sex rarely exists outside of the movies
- Sex in a loving relationship is about more than the bare mechanics – it is about people enjoying each other
- Your partner will probably be nervous too!!
Find out more about sex and intimacy as a transgender person, in our set of special articles on trans sex here.