Where are all the older trans men?
Much is made in the media of the current crisis facing the mental health of some of our children, and rightly so. Self esteem is stated as being at an all time low, with social media and the non stop onslaught of always-on mobile connectivity bearing the brunt of the blame.
A recent report by the NSPCC has revealed that the number of primary school children referred for specialist mental health treatment in the last four years has risen by a third.
No doubt within this group there will be children who are suffering with issues relating to their gender identity. We know from experience, that the rates of attempted suicide and self harm among this group are alarmingly high (45%). Something needs to be done.
Listening to some of the more vocal anti trans voices you would be forgiven for believing that when it comes to gender questioning children, the cause of their unhappiness is the gender confusion itself. However, research has shown that it is in fact society’s reaction to the gender non conformity and the resulting bullying and ostracism, which is causing the issue.
Adolescent girls are a particular concern for those convinced that it is modern society that is leading to an increase in gender confusion. The argument goes that we are putting so much pressure on our young girls that they no longer want to be female. They want to escape into the gender – and ideally the body – of their male counterparts, who apparently have it so good. Yet everything I read seems to suggest that it’s not just our girls who are in crisis, we are in the midst of a male crisis too.
If the anti-trans lobby is arguing that the rise in girls looking to transition is being caused by this desire to access some of the male privilege that is a man’s birthright, then what’s their argument for those boys looking to reject this prize in favour of embracing their female self?
There’s no wrong age to transition. Find out more
While the media would have us believe that male transgender people who were assigned female at birth (AFAB), are a new phenomenon, They have always existed. The truth is they are just less visible than their female counterparts – the irony of this statement has not escaped me.
Today I opened up two email enquiries which were from older trans patients looking to access HRT through GenderGP. I say older, both patients were born in the 1960s. There is nothing very unusual in this, we regularly see emails from this age group and we don’t have to go back far to see that this was the most popular age for people to transition historically.
What made these two emails unusual was that they were from trans men; trans men who were looking to access testosterone and start the process of transitioning.
At GenderGP we see thousands of email requests a year but requests for help from trans men in this upper age group are rare. My personal experience, as a member of the trans community, leads me to believe that the reason members of this particular group are so rarely heard from is not because they do not exist, but rather because they do not seek help. Instead they keep quiet, living alone with their secret. As a trans woman having met many many people on this journey, I know how devastating it can be to keep this secret.
Historically, people assigned female at birth have found it easier to present in a more masculine way, this is just fact. However, coming out as trans is equally difficult for trans men as it is trans women, telling people you are trans is never without risk, so perhaps this group of men just don’t tell. Perhaps they just choose to live with their secret. Safe from persecution, safe from abuse. The sacrifice they make is that they are never able to embrace their true self, never able to share their real identity.
It’s always those who shout loudest who are heard. The accusations of adolescent girls rejecting their gender because of the pressures placed on them by society is not unreasonable, but nor is it based in fact. The figures show that our children – both male and female – are suffering and this is something that we need to address. But we should not allow our fear of the unknown or the unfamiliar to distract us. Transgender men and women are part of the fabric of society and always have been. Just because you fail to spot the trans men doesn’t mean they aren’t there.
Perhaps if we could get some of the older trans men to open up and share their experiences; perhaps if we could see more articles written and aimed at this generation to just say: its ok to be trans; perhaps then they would feel safe enough to come out of hiding and get the help and support they need.
When we talk about how far the trans community has come in recent years it is easy to forget that there are some people who are being left behind. The older trans men, the truly repressed, it would be lovely if we could reach out to them and welcome them in to our new world.
Photo by Ximena Nahmias on Unsplash
Hello
Thank you for the above blog. Although I have met several trans women, I have only recently met two trans men, both over 20 years my junior.
I have plucked up courage to come out gradually this year as a trans man at 71 (still not fully out.). To say I am nervous is an understatement but also I feel liberated. I am trying to undo as much of the damage I have done to my poor body through intentional abuse as I can because, for the first time in my life, I truly want to live. I am not wealthy so must rely on the NHS (very negative response from first GP) so do not know where this journey will take me. I am praying they don’t turn me away because of my age. I have found a lovely local support group and hope, once I have got my head round this a bit, I might be able to help others in some way. Follow your Twitter with interest thank you.
Hi Tam
Thank you for your lovely email, I realise money is tight but we do offer support at discounted rates, if you would like to know more, please let me know, I would be happy to talk to you over the phone for free to see if we could in anyway offer you the support you so dearly need at this time.
Marianne
I’m one of those “born in the ‘60’s” trans men as well. I knew about trans women but not until reading an article about a young woman who lived as a man for a number of years, did I realize it was possible for me. Not then of course. I would have been kicked out and/or beaten by my parents. Now though? I’m proudly out at work and socially. My husband is happy. My kids are happy. Most of all, I am happy. I’ve shed the ill fitting dress of woman for the finely tailored suit of man. My skin no longer itches.
There are lots of older trans men in Facebook groups etc, I guess we’re just less outspoken. To my amazement I found a trans man living in my street, just a year older than me but transitioned 18 years ago and has been stealth ever since!! I came out as non-binary at 40 and as a trans guy the following year. I’m still waiting for my first GIC appointment (28 months on the waiting list already!) but am grateful to have been able to access HRT through GenderGP and am loving the changes. There’s a long way to go but most days I can look in the mirror and feel OK-ish about the way I look, which is huge, and my voice is starting to get deeper too. More importantly though, I just feel ‘right’ in a way I never did when I was trying to live as a woman.
I’ve just read this blog, and I’m another of those born in the 60s trans men (from Germany), although a very new one. I always knew I was not a girl, but back then, in the early 70s, I only ever heard of men who became women (and were laughed at or shamed for it). I never knew it was possible the other way around, too. It wasn’t until I was in my 30s when I read an interview with a trans man and though “My god, he’s talking about me!”. And then I thought I was too old to do something about it.
It wasn’t until last year, when my brother in law’s best friend transitioned to female at the ripe old age of 48, that a lightbulb went off in my head. And so I started transitioning socially at the end of last year. I have a very long road ahead of me, and Covid is not making it easier, by eventually I’ll be the man I was always meant to be!
Jacques…I’m sorta in the same boat as you, as I just two weeks ago at 59 (will be 60 in 3 weeks), began transitioning socially. I’ve also begun trying to, naturally, in the form of facial hair (I always had a ton more testosterone than even my brothers I think) present more masculine than I’ve been throughout my life. I’ve lived as an out butch lesbian the last 40 years and well, like most, I lived my entire life with that feeling of something just not right, whenever I heard my birth name or any female pronouns. Fortunately my build and outward way in which I carried myself was that of the man I’ve always been and as such have been called sir for the last 25+ years. So that’s a plus. Also I’m fortunate in that I married my wife a little over 4 years ago, and she’s been incredible. She said she’s loved me as the man she saw in me and supports my transition whole heartedly. I am so thankful for her.
But, having said all that, beginning my transition this month, taking my name as it always should’ve been, Matthew, (will be applying for a legal name change), and finally living my authentic self, is beyond liberating. What kept me back is much the same as most having grown up in the 60’s. I just am so happy to read everyone’s journey here who I can relate to more so than our younger generation.
I just wanted to tell you how much I feel your long road ahead, as I walk it along side you.
I too am so looking forward to everything matching, if you will, to the man I’ve always been and always will be. Peace and love to you.